God Damn It.

Today was registration day. I ventured back into the high school and saw all of those people I left behind the year before. I had to put up with questions like, "you were in....taiwan...right?"
Or "You're back?"

Life continues. I try to readjust, make new friends in different social circles an expand my interests. The new focus is Cuban salsa. I go to Tuesday night classes and Thursday night practices. I'm becoming friends with young men much older than myself. I'm honest with them. I tell them I'm in high school. They know I'm off limits.

I consistently get prank calls that after the first ring become dial tones. I wonder sometimes whether it's just my imagination that anyone is calling at all.

I called Emma today. Emma was in Nakhon Phanom with me and she's now become one of my closest friends. She was out of her house but her mother answered. We talked for a little bit about readjusting. When we hung up I felt like I couldn't breathe. Normally I'm fine when it comes to talking about Thailand but having to go back into my high school and acknowledge that I'm no longer an exchange student has had its effect.

All I could think was "God damn it! I'm not supposed to be here!" I spun round and round trying to get out all my frustration and anger at my inability to let go of the past and move forward. "God damn it! God Damn it! God Damn IT!"

And there it was. I'm not in Thailand any longer. I'm here.... I'm here.